19 Lessons I’ve Learned In 19 Years of Marriage – Part 2

Lesson #7: My role as their mother, should never supersede my role as his wife.

As much as I love my children, and as much as my daily routine is scheduled around what their needs are (school, homework, football/volleyball practices, etc.), my relationship with them does not come before the relationship I have with my husband. But honestly, I didn’t learn this lesson until our 2^nd child (our son, Takim Jr.) was born. After we were married, my husband and I waited nearly 4 years before we decided to start having children. On May 25, 2002, we were blessed with the birth of our first daughter, Kimberlyne Dee, and 3 years later, our son, Takim Jr. was born. I was blessed to be a stay-at-home mom for the first 4 years after Kimmy was born, and prior to her birth, we were your typical newlyweds. We did nearly everything together, and meeting one another’s needs was our highest priority. But, once the babies started coming, I don’t believe I could have ever been prepared for the mental, emotional, physical and relational toll my role as a mother would take on our marriage. 

My desire to be a “supermom”, coupled with me being physically drained, left little time, little energy, and honestly, little desire to give Takim the time, attention, and affection he so desperately needed. From the outside looking in, our marriage appeared just as happy as ever, but inside the four walls of our home during this period, there were many sleepless nights, unspoken, yet loud and clear feelings of resentment towards one another (he resented me for neglecting him, and I resented him for not seeing why I was neglecting him), and I think at the time, we were too prideful and spiritually immature to seek wise, Godly counsel from anyone about it. I’ve always been a believer in communication, and in the power of prayer being the keys to resolution in all areas of life, so that’s what we did. We prayed and talked our way to a better understanding of our roles as both spouses and parents.

I can remember a conversation my husband and I had many years ago, when Kimmy was an infant. It went something like this:

ME: “If me and the baby were in a burning house, and you could only save one of us, who would you save?”

HIM: (without hesitation) “I would save you!”

ME: (feeling heartbroken at just the thought of my baby perishing in a fire) “Why?”

HIM: “As much as I love my baby, she would immediately go to heaven when she died. But if I saved her and not you, she would be without her mother, and I would be without my wife. By saving you, we could produce more children.”

Of course, none of us want to ever think of something as tragic as this happening, but it does help to put things in perspective as to how we need to keep our relationships with our husbands and our children in the right order – God first, spouse second, and then the children. - Deuteronomy 6:5, Ephesians 5:25, Ephesians 5:22, Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4

Lesson #8: It’s okay to agree, to disagree.

This is a short lesson. Attending high school together, dating 5 years, being married for the past 19 years, and being truly connected on all levels, my husband and I think alike in many ways, and on occasion, we can even finish one another’s sentences. However, we are still different conclusions on a variety of topics. Therefore, instead of trying to sway one another into ‘siding’ with the other after every disagreement or discussion, learning the lesson to respectfully agree to disagree has made a world of difference in our marriage. – 1 Peter 3:7 (While this scripture gives the instruction to husbands, wives should also follow this.)

Lesson #9: It’s okay to create NEW traditions and (positive) lifestyle changes for your marriage and family.

How do you and your spouse handle the holidays? Is it mandatory and non-negotiable for you to spend Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and New Year’s Day at a relative’s home? Is your cake or pie cursed if you don’t make it the exact same way your mother or grandmother did? Are you receiving ‘dirty looks’ from loved ones who don’t understand (or don’t care to understand) your new healthy lifestyle practices? Well, for about the first 10 or so years of our marriage, we made sure to stick to the holiday traditions of visiting our mothers’ or relatives homes for all major holidays. Then, we began to incorporate spending a holiday or two with friends, for at least a portion of those days. Then, we began to alternate spending Christmas or Thanksgiving at our timeshare in Palm Springs (our kids LOVE this by the way).

It wasn’t that we didn’t want to be with family, it was just a new tradition (and memory-making opportunity) that we wanted to create for our family. Similarly, within the last several years, we’ve become vegetarian, and even more recently, my husband has begun his transition to veganism (I don’t believe being a vegan is my calling…lol). Even in the age of “the only thing healthy to eat is purified air from heaven” LOL, we have quite a few family members and friends that either don’t understand or wonder why we’ve decided to eat the way we do, but again it’s something we as a couple felt was necessary, and in our best interest if we want to be in the best health possible. These were just a couple of examples, and as much as you may desire to please your family and friends by holding fast to traditions, incorporating some of your own, and creating new memories is perfectly okay as well. – Isaiah 43:19

Lesson #10: Recognizing one another’s strengths (and operating in them) blesses your marriage, and ultimately, your household.

“Teamwork divides the task and multiplies the success.” – Author Unknown

We knew from the very beginning of our marriage what our strengths were, and what truly worked for us. For instance, handling the “business side” of our household comes very naturally to me, which makes it easy for me to manage our finances, bill payments, appointment scheduling, organizing and maintaining our important documents and files (and once the kids were born, the primary homework helper and “school conferences scheduler”). I also LOVE putting together things like entertainment centers, bookshelves, etc. (I nearly lost my mind when IKEA opened). Now my husband is a strong leader and steady provider, and although we both work full-time, believe it or not, he usually takes the lead on the grocery shopping (once I make sure that the money is budgeted in our account for it of course), and is the primary cook in the family (I often tell him he should have went to culinary arts school as much as he loves to be in the kitchen). Takim is also the self-proclaimed “laundry manager”, with one of his nightly routines being folding the laundry while watching one of his favorite crime dramas on TV (I think it’s a part of his evening wind down/relaxation technique).

Now to be clear, these are just a few examples of our shared responsibilities, which obviously can be done by either spouse, and are often. However, we’ve learned that in defining the roles of a husband and wife, with the aim of maintaining a cohesive, thriving, and smoothly functioning household, the strengths of each spouse should always be considered. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Ephesians 4:16

Lesson #11: Don’t live in the past.

“Never let your past experiences harm your future. Your past can’t be altered, and your future doesn’t deserve the punishment.” - Author Unknown.

The biblical account of what happened to Lot’s wife, is a prime and vivid example of the danger in looking back, or longing for those things in our past, when God has given us a pathway to a brighter future. Whether you know the story well, or not at all, I encourage you to read Genesis 19:1-26. Spoiler alert! Lot's wife looked back, and was immediately turned into a pillar of salt. It was clear that the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were wicked, but even knowing this, she probably longed for that familiarity as they fled before the pending destruction of the cities by the angels. Have you ever had a “Lot’s wife” experience? Ever reminisced about a past relationship? Kept replaying a past hurt? Resurrected an argument that your spouse thought was buried and gone? My husband and I have been there, and you may have been there too at some point. Whether in casual conversation, or in heated discussion, as tempting as is may be to do so, as married men and women, we must do our absolute best to learn from our past, live in our present, and push towards a positive future….together. – Isaiah 43:18

Lesson #12: Support one another’s passions, and dream-build together.

For as long as we’ve been a couple, my husband has always had two major passions: to play the game of football at the highest level he possibly could, and music. He played football in high school, at the collegiate level, and semi-professionally. He then began to coach the game once our son began to play. On the music front, he’s been the member of a hip-hop group, a gospel group, and a solo gospel artist, and I’ve been there with him every step of the way. When I decided to enter the Master’s program some years ago, he encouraged and supported me as I earned my degree. I’ve also tried a few home-based business opportunities over the years, and in 2014, I was introduced to an amazing opportunity, and began my journey as an Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay Cosmetics, and my husband has wholeheartedly supported me from the very beginning. (Visit my website to browse, shop, and learn about the opportunity at www.marykay.com/skinsational.)

It’s important to keep in mind that oftentimes, your dreams may have to take a temporary backseat to your spouse’s, and vice-versa. The key to keeping this “I’ve got your back” period free from stress and envy (yes…even spouses can be envious of one another), is to maintain open and honest communication, and realize that success for one of you, is success for both of you. Every decision to be made, every goal created, every dream imagined, and every desire of your heart (both individually and collectively), should first be brought to the Lord through prayer, and in many cases, fasting should also take place. Then, discussing them with your spouse, and forming a game plan to make them happen is a surefire way to success.  – Proverbs 31:11, 1 Corinthians 13:7, Mark 10:8