19 Lessons I've Learned in 19 Years of Marriage - Part 1

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Mark 10:9

 

My husband and I were married in front of family, friends, and loved ones on May 23, 1998. Now, you may be wondering why I didn’t hold off on writing this particular post next year – after we reached the 20^th anniversary milestone. Well, the simple answer is that each day, each month, and each year of a marriage counts. No fast-forwarding allowed, and since tomorrow is not promised to any of us, I believe now is a great time for me to share. Instead of listing all 19 lessons in one post, (I’ve chosen to break them up into a 3-part post, this first one containing 'lessons' 1-6), so make sure to check back regularly for lessons 7-11, and 12-19.) *Just in case you're wondering, they are not ranked in the order of importance.

Lesson #1: LOVE is an action word.

During the dating phase (or “courting” phase depending upon the generation you were raised in), LOVE tended to be based upon how many times it was either said, or written in the words of a greeting card you received on Valentine’s Day. It may have been measured by the number of gifts he bought you, or when he finally invited you over to meet the family. Now, all those things were nice, and made me feel special, but I learned early in our marriage (and continue to learn it daily), that LOVE truly is an ACTION word. I see love when he checks in with me at the beginning of his lunch break with a video walkie-talkie message (on one of our favorite phone apps) if not just for 2 minutes, just to see how my day is going so far. I see love when we’ve both worked a full day, but because he gets home just a tad earlier than I do, he has already started dinner, and is sitting on the couch, folding a clean load of laundry - one of his favorite “relaxation techniques”. Remind me to tell you about that in a future post. I see love, when he allows me time to go into the bedroom and decompress. Sometimes, he’ll simply tell the kids to “let mom have some alone time”, or take them out for a trip to their favorite frozen yogurt shop. I asked my husband what are some ways I show love to him, and he said by doing the following:

• a simple smile.
• laying my head on his chest when we're relaxing or watching television together.
• sharing household responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc.).
• being his helpmate, and giving him the assurance that if he can't cover or handle something, he knows that I can, and do.

The point I’m trying to make is that more than all the gifts, and hearing the words “I love you” uttered from your spouse, you should desire to be shown love in everyday acts of kindness – and be willing to show love in return. - 1 John 3:18

Lesson #2: I’m his number one fan.

I saw a post on one of the popular social media platforms a few years ago that said something to the affect of: “You can be a fan of my husband. Just stay in the bleachers.” I probably gave it a million thumbs up or likes, because it expressed my sentiments perfectly. Now, just to be clear, this quote isn’t to say that I don’t want anyone but me to cheer my husband on, or that he only needs to have my support, in order to feel empowered to reach his goals. There are many, many people who have been supporters of not only our marriage, but supporters of our endeavors as well. But, from the standpoint of a wife, I want my husband to know beyond a shadow of doubt that I will ALWAYS be there for him, and by his side – cheering the loudest (literally and figuratively). From my husband’s standpoint, he has shared with me time and time again what my presence and support has meant to him, in both the highs and low points of his life, and hearing him say that will always be one of my greatest joys as a wife. – Ephesians 5:22

Lesson #3: Don’t speak ill of your husband to/in front of others.

My mother and I have always had a great line of communication, and as I approached my wedding day, I remember her giving me a piece of advice that I still carry with me on this very day. She said “Nette (my nickname), it’s okay to seek Godly advice from a trusted source, and it’s definitely important to let someone know if you’re being abused in any way (which has never been the case in our marriage thank God), but don’t let everyone know every time you get upset with your husband, or every time you two have a disagreement about something. Because long after you two have kissed and made up, that family member or friend you talked to, will either openly or secretly hold it against him for the rest of your marriage…and he doesn’t deserve to live under that scrutiny!” I encourage the married person reading this post to take my mom’s advice to heart, and if you’ve made the mistake of “over-sharing” about your spouse to family members, friends, or co-workers, it’s never too late to apologize, and start fresh. – Ephesians 4:29

Lesson #4: Choose your battles wisely.

No one likes a nag, and no one likes to feel as though nothing they say or do is right. I had to learn this the hard way, but with lots of self-reflection, prayer, honest communication from my husband, and spiritual maturity, I learned this lesson. When we hear “and the two become one flesh”, I used to think it meant “my 50% and his 50% will make us 100%.” But what I’ve realized is that my husband came into the marriage 100% himself, and I was 100% me. Two individuals, each bringing different perspectives and life experiences, who need to give ‘n take and compromise, to become ONE. After about year 4 of our marriage, I realized that some things weren’t worth fighting over. Little things (which I thought were huge at the time) such as the toilet seat being left up, or not replacing the toilet paper roll after using the last of it, would be just enough to start an argument. Now, I’m sure you can identify with these seemingly minor offenses, but even things on a more major level, such as disagreeing over the extent of financial assistance we should provide a family member, or choosing to withdraw, rather than talking it out, and going to bed angry. In ALL marriages, feelings WILL get hurt, frustration levels WILL rise, and there WILL be nights of lying in bed, side-by-side without uttering a word until morning. But, majoring on the minor things will cause more harm than good, and you never want the sun to go down on your wrath. – Proverbs 21:19, Ephesians 4:26

Lesson #5: Intimacy and love-making are a must.

One of the greatest connections a husband and wife will ever experience, is intimacy, and the act of making love. As a Christian couple, I wish I could say that my husband and I were virgins when we got married, but that would be a lie. The emotional pain of us not being sexually pure before marriage was real, and caused us to go through some emotional turmoil early in our marriage. We’ve often said how much we wished that had not been the case, but we’ll be the first to attest to God’s grace and willingness to forgive, heal, deliver, and set you free from past sins and hurts! There are times when I may be physically, mentally, or emotionally drained from working an 8-hour day, then coming home to tend to our home, and the needs of our children, and making love is the furthest thing from my mind. A great book that helped me learn the importance of sex in marriage was “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, Jr. If you are married, or engaged to be married, I would highly suggest you read it. The book teaches the emotional needs of husbands and wives, and says that one of the most important emotional needs for wives are shows of affection (touching, gifts, loving words, etc.), and for husbands, the greatest emotional need is to be sexually fulfilled. Ultimately, the author asserts that without each spouse meeting the emotional needs of the other, it opens the door to temptation, and ultimately, extra-marital affairs. - 1 Corinthians 7:4-5

Lesson #6: Laughter is good for the soul.

When I married my husband, I married a comedian. No, not a paid, stand-up, professional comedian (although I think he could really be one), but a guy who loves to laugh, and make others laugh along with him. I honestly believe that laughter and having a good sense of humor have played a major role in us making it to the 19-year mark. You see, there have been countless times that we’ve disagreed on something, and times when we’ve had to go through very difficult, emotionally-draining experiences as a couple, but without fail, we have always been able to make each other laugh. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten mad at Takim for cutting my seemingly justified pout-fest short, by saying or doing something that makes me break out into laughter. The bible says that “there is a time for everything…a time for crying and a time for laughing.” As a couple, it's inevitable that there will be times you'll cry your share of tears, so do everything you can, as often as you can, to create an atmosphere of joy and laughter in your marriage, which will permeate your entire household. – Ecclesiastes 3:4