19 Lessons I've Learned in 19 Years of Marriage - Part 3 ***HUSBAND TAG***

*For this final portion of the series, I thought it would be great if my husband shared some of the lessons he’s learned over the last 19 years of our marriage….so shout out to Takim Raye-Brown for lessons 13-19…enjoy!

Lesson #13: Let your help mate, help!

As men, we tend to let our pride get in the way because we don’t want to admit that we don’t have all the answers. In doing so, it will cause some frustration in your marriage. You just may find yourself on your knees asking Yah for help, and he answers you by saying, “fool, the help has been lying next to you all this time…duh!” You guessed it, your wife. He saw that we were lonely and knew we couldn’t make this journey on our own, so he created another version of himself, the “wo-man”. I know I can do some great things by myself, but man, how much more could I accomplish by allowing someone who genuinely loves me, believes in me, help and support me to success? I’ve learned that my wife is willing to “ride or die” with me, because she believes in me, even when I don’t believe in myself. – Genesis 2:18, Ecclesiastes 4:12

Lesson #14: Look in the mirror and self-check.

I don’t care who you are, it’s hard to look in the mirror and self-check. But, you will lose your mind if someone else checks you! It can be painful when the closest thing to you (your wife) calls you out on your mess, and you know she’s right, but that nasty spirit called “pride” creeps up. Did you know that pride can be deadly? It defined as self-idolatry, sadistic, vanity, contempt and vainglory. Nothing good has ever come out of this being a vice in anyone’s life, and surely has no place in a marriage. One of the greatest creations that the Most High made, Lucifer, fell – both literally and spiritually because of pride, and took a third of heaven with him. So fellas, trust me when I tell you, it’s better for your queen to check you in-house, behind closed doors, as opposed to the world destroying you in public. - Proverbs 11:2, 16:18, Mark 7:22

Lesson #15: Don’t think like a single person. You’re married!

Have you ever been somewhere with your boys, when the cell phone rings, and the conversation goes like this:

Wife:   “Hey babe, when are you coming home?”

You:     “In a little while.”

Wife:   “Ok, but don’t be too long. You know I can’t sleep while when you’re not here.”

Now, your boys have been ear hustling, trying to hear the conversation, so they can come up with something to clown you about. Now you feel a certain way, because you are embarrassed. But for what? Remember, you’re the married one! Your life has changed for the better, you have little in common with single men (or single women if you’re a wife). You need to communicate with other married men, and you and your spouse need to surround yourselves with other married couples that believe in the same spiritual principles that you do, to sharpen one another, hold one another accountable, and to enjoy yourselves socially. – Proverbs 27:17

Lesson #16: Trust the plan that God gave you.

The Lord told Habakkuk to “write the vision down, and make it plain.” He goes on to say, “the vision is for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak truthfully about the end. Though it delays, just wait for it, because it will surely come.” Remember, many things may not come exactly when you want them, but when they do, it’s right on time. In a marriage, you must think as a team, and what makes a team successful, is the preparation for the game.

You have to make sure you cover all aspects of what you want to accomplish for each area of your marriage: intimacy, communication, finances, health, spiritual walk, etc.. At our church (Faith Inspirational MBC in the great City of Compton, CA), we are advised to make a goal list every year, and keep track of our growth and progress towards reaching the goals. This is done for you as an individual, and for your family as a whole. The reason for writing your plan/vision down, is for you to see it, to keep it at the forefront of your mind, so that you won’t forget it. There may be times when you feel like quitting on your goals, because they may not be manifesting quickly enough. This will be the point where your faith must be activated. Do your part during your waiting period, and allow God to give your marriage the increase at the appointed time. – Jeremiah 29:11, Habakkuk 2:2-3

Lesson #17: You must know your role as a man in your marriage.

A great question husbands should ask themselves is, “Who am I in this marriage?” There is a scripture passage that explains the prerequisites for, and qualities of a man who seeks to be a “Bishop”. Now, don’t be alarmed! All husbands are not called to be clergymen, but the truth is, all husbands are called to be the PROPHET, PRIEST, and KING of their homes. We are commissioned to protect, watch over, lead, build up, and cultivate our families. Fulfilling this mandate can be both simple, and challenging at the same time, as what it boils down to is just being active in your family’s life. For example, talking to your wife and children about how their day went, and being able to give them that undivided attention, along with giving them the encouraging words and support to continue in a positive direction. – 1 Timothy 3

Lesson #18: Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Let me start by saying, I have not always been the greatest communicator. Early in our marriage, when my wife and I would have disagreements, I would choose to go into ‘silent-mode’, or go work out…just to remove myself from the situation. But, I quickly learned that this was not a good way to communicate. My wife is one who loves to communicate, which is not only a skill she utilizes daily in the line of work she’s in, but it carries over into our home life as well. Many marriages have been destroyed by allowing varying opinions to control or dominate the thoughts of the couple who are dealing with an issue or problem. This is why open, honest, and regular communication between the husband and wife must take top priority from day one.

Don’t get me wrong, if you have hit a rough patch in your marriage, you should seek wise, godly counsel, let me stress the wise, godly part of that. Getting the wrong information from the wrong source will be toxic for your marriage, and unfortunately, the wrong counsel could be someone closest to you. Why would you seek advice from that close friend or family member who has had 2 failed marriages, and bashes men/women all the time? You might as well go and serve the divorce papers immediately! Here are a few things I suggest you do to make sure the communication aspect of your marriage is strong:

• Read the word of God, and other books on effective communication techniques in marriage.
• Talk to and surround yourself with other couples that have built successful marriages, and ask about what communication style has worked for them.
• Get counseling, and don’t allow anyone to talk you out of it, if you feel it can help.
• Talk to your Pastor or spiritual adviser to help you navigate through some of the difficult issues. This is what they are there for.

Please use all your available resources to better your marriage. The goal is to do this one time…’til death do you part! – Isaiah 1:18, 1 Corinthians 15:33, Ephesians 4:29, Colossians 3:8

Lesson #19: Never stop dating your spouse.

With the hustle and bustle of the day to day routines of work, kids, church, sports, and various things around the house to do, you and your spouse can easily become like “two ships passing in the night.” One of the best suggestions I have for this is to create a few date nights a month, for you and your spouse, and don’t let anything interfere with it. One thing I have learned about being a parent, is that it’s so easy to get side tracked, and consumed with our children. For us, having one child in elementary school, another one in middle school, and the other in high school is very demanding, as their schedules and activities oftentimes overlap. Don’t get me wrong, I love being involved in all their activities, but I must make time for the woman who gave me these incredible kids!

Currently, my wife does not have the luxury of being a “work-from-home mom” (but we’re diligently working on that as we speak 😊), so she’s out there working a traditional “9-to-5”, and pushing the vision we have for the family. Sometimes, it feels like we need 28 hours in a day, just to get what we need accomplished, but we get it done. Not long ago, my wife put together a nice monthly budgeting plan for us to stay on task with our spending and savings, and she even created a budget item just for our quality time or “date nights”. Things as simple as dinner, movie, going for a walk, or a run to the frozen yogurt shop we love are some of the things we enjoy. If you plan right, your date nights can really be something special to look forward to, and they help to keep your marriage alive. Being spontaneous with your date nights sometimes can also be great. This will help to ensure that you guys are not strangers, once your kids are grown and gone off to create lives and families of their own someday! – Proverbs 5:18